Children should understand disagreements are to be expected among friends.  People cannot be expected to be the same in their thinking and actions, and so we all disagree at times.  Knowing how to react to those disagreements is the key to keeping a friendship intact.  Some children must be taught that getting angry, yelling, or using bad language is not the way to keep a friendship alive.

First, introduce “fair fighting” to your child. Whenever a disagreement occurs among friends, the child should ask herself a number of questions before arguing with her friend.  They should ask: “Am I really angry or just annoyed?”, “What exactly do I dislike about what was done?”, “Do I really want this change or am I just out to hurt someone?”, “Is this important enough for me?”  The friends should set a time to talk about their disagreement as soon as possible.  Lack of talk just makes the problem fester and get worse.  Teach the following steps in solving a disagreement:

1.  State the problem or disagreement.  Children should keep it clear, simple, and direct.  Stick to the facts without blaming and without adding your feelings about the other person’s behavior.  It’s a good idea to practice what you’re going to say when you have a disagreement.
2.  State feelings using “I messages” to describe why she feels angry, hurt, or disappointed.  For example, “I was angry when I heard everyone knew my secret.”  This allows her to take responsibility for her feelings
3.  Avoid messages like “You made me feel so mad when you did that terrible thing”. Children should avoid blaming the other person…that includes not concluding their “I message” by saying, “…and it’s your fault I feel that way”.  This may take a lot of role play, practice, and repetition.
4.  Proposing change involves stating clearly and directly what your child wants her friend to do or not do.  Teach her to be specific and avoid talking in terms of attitudes as in “I want you to be more considerate”.  Instead she should state the objective in behavioral terms: “I want you to be ready to go when I come to pick you up to go to the movies”.  Different solutions to the problem may need to be discussed.
5.  Describe practical benefits of change.  Teach your child to include how she will feel and what she will do if the change is made.  Remind her to avoid predicting dire consequences that don’t fit the situation.
6.  Allow the friend to respond.  Teach your child responses include:  “yes”, “yes with conditions”, “no with explanations”, or “let me take a time out to think about it”.  Reaching a solution takes work on both friends’ part.  If you agree, declare the fight over.  If not, set a time to talk later and go back through these steps.
7.  Teach your child that clarifying the agreement involves each person repeating the agreement in turn making sure each understands it.  If either is forgetful, it is helpful to write it down.

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Excerpt from Social Skills for LD Kids (c) 1995, Monte W. Davenport

(c) 2009-2012, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.